You’re in my office complaining that several girls' sports teams and all the female coaches and staff have been beating you up. I’m not sure what else you were expecting… I told them to do this! I brag about how we have a very high percentage of female coaches, and we’ll be hiring more soon. And the girls' sports teams will be using you for target practice all through the fall. I talked to your stepmom about your volunteer service, and we decided you’ll be cleaning all the toilets and port-a-potties on campus 7 days a week at 5:30 am. Hearing this, you start crying, and I laugh. I’ve already failed you again this year, so you still won’t be graduating, and you’ll never go to college. Instead, one day I’ll bring you on as an unpaid member of our custodial staff just to clean the school’s toilets. Friday, to boost school spirit, I’ll be having the cheerleaders strip you naked, put you on a leash, and parade you around to all the classrooms during first period!

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